I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
