So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
