Swine flu. Run for my life!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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