when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
