We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
