Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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