Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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