Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
