We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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