instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
