I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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