I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
