Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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