people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
