i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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