I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
