What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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