My brain says no but my pants say off.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
