She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
