WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
