yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
