I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
