I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
