life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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