he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
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I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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