I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
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We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
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SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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