Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
