So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
