I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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