I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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