I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
