I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
