He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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