3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm