Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
