I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
