I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
