every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
