Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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