I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Of course I have a pirate flag
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
