I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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