he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
