Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize