you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
