I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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