Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
