Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize
