i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
