May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
