Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
