is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
