well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
