I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
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dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
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Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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