her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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