I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
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It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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