I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
