got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
sarcasm needs its own font
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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