My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
