TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
