if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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