dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
