I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
