my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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